US

by Gus Castillo

Where’s the fine line between paranoia
thinking they are out to destroy ya’,
and living your life in inner peace
and not in fear of the police?
Every step taken, I retro think
am I sure I did not blink?
Did I miss one of the many restrictions
that will cause me more convictions?

How to live with a Scarlett letter
As open as a daily newspaper.
Dare I stand, make my claim!
Open me up to the hatred flame?
Or shut my mouth, lower my head
live my life in fear and dread.

I am tired of being persecuted.
I am tired of being looted.
I am tired of being a lesser class.
I am tired of being thought of as a trash.

I will raise my head and take the beating.
I will stand by and hear the bleating
of false myths and accusations,
of hatred calls for my castration.

I will not lose the days left I have been given
desperately needing to be forgiven.
No more sad days, no more shame,
If they happen, I am to blame.

And when the fear, the sad, the irreversible regret
comes for me with its inner-soul deflating threat,
I will pull out these written lines
and reread them as if guidelines.

I will fight! I will stand!
It will make me a better man!
To no more pain, to no more sadness,
to always fighting for my gladness

I have dignity, I am new
And brother, sister, so are you!

Notes from Gus:  Story behind the poem - What I feel living on the registry, carrying its weight, its shame, the depression, the self-hatred, self-punishment, the eternal loop of worry, anxiety, sadness, the no self-forgiveness.  And how exhausted and tired I was of it. How I needed to remind myself this is not the end. How to lift myself out of the hole.